Feel the glory of a nineteenth century software installation experience

Today I booted my Windows XP virtual machine as usual. And as every time I boot Windows, there were many updates, each with its own myriad of wizards, eulas, popup balloons, and “Are you sure you want to do what you are trying to do?” dialog boxes. One of said updates was Java. This was an update to the Java that came bundled with Open Office 3.

Lets walk through that user experience to demonstrate just how wrong things are:

Step 1

Here is first page of the wizard. Looks like a typical Windows installer with just a hint of eula. My first reaction when seeing this is why the hell do I have to re-install Java when It was already installed? Why does it not do an upgrade? I’ve already agreed to the previous 3 eulas when I installed the previous 3 updates to Java. It should just rip the old version out and stick the new version in, without any user intervention.

Next I notice that it is also forcing me to install JavaFX. JavaFX is an attempt by Sun to create their own Flash/Silverlight clone. I have no way to not install JavaFX.

On top of that, they want to send “some non-personal information” to “help improve performance”. Then a url that claims to show you how to not have this information sent. Fail once for not just having a checkbox for that. Fail twice for not showing me what data is sent. And fail thrice for not having that url a link or button that opens the page in my browser.

Step 2

Next up, a frickin’ advertisement inside the installer! Not only is the Yahoo toolbar a piece of shit (as we will see later). But it is completely unrelated to the reason why Java is on this system. Like most users, it is there only for Open Office.

And look! The fucking check box is checked by default! That means most users will install it without looking. This is absolutely retarded.

Just for the sake of having the complete experience that Sun wants us to have, lets allow it to install the Yahoo toolbar anyway.

Step 3

Here is the actual installation. Hey look: Another advertisement. I wonder what product it is telling me about. I bet it will be a good one. After all, this is the only time Sun gets to show an add to someone they know is running Java, Windows XP, and Open Office. This realestate would be targeted advertisement gold. I can think of many cool Sun things to put on here. Fuck why not put all of them? Lets see: VirtualBox, MySQL, or even Open Solaris.

Oh. Its just Open Office. That thing that is the reason why we are installing Java to begin with. This is a bit like putting advertisements for milk, on boxes for cereal. If they have this, then they already have that, or will get it later. Forget milk. What we need is ads for bananas or strawberries in that cereal.

Step 4

Ok were installed! Lets look at our beautifully impregnated web browsers. Wow we must have 2/3 of the screen remaining for actual fucking web browsing. And notice how wide it is. Good thing I have a wide screen monitor. Also that awesome select box. It must be 20 pixels wide. Very useful. Especially since there is no indication of what it does.

Step 5

Time to remove that crapware Yahoo Toolbar. Hmmm. Its not in the add remove programs list. Oh wait. We remove it directly from inside Firefox. How intuitive! Every piece of software can install shit any way it wants! Awesome. We will just pretend that is a good thing. Because Firefox can do no harm.

Step 6

All right. Now lets actually try to use open office. This time on our Windows 7 beta. Oh look! another update! Goodie! Not only is it related to Open Office, but it could have been bundled with the one I just installed. I’m so glad it was not.

Conclusion

What the hell are you thinking Sun? No one wants the fucking Yahoo Toolbar. As your high ranking executives blindly repeat the mantra “Sun really gets it”, you are getting a reputation as a bloatware company. Don’t ruin the Open Office ecosystem. It is one of the four good things you have left.

And Microsoft: Why the hell don’t you create a packaging system? The MSI format was a foot in the right direction. And yet the same problems have been around for almost 20 years. Create a package management system like most Linux distributions do. In fact just clone Conary. Or even Steam. Then we could just use Windows Update to manage all our software and libraries.

I am dead-beat tired of having to party like its 1995 evey time I use Windows.